That’s Illogical: Lessons in Communicating with a Narcissist 

“Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end of it.”—Spock

Unfortunately, the medical decisions with my children still remain unresolved and bizarrely so. Things associated with getting the house ready to sell are in a strange state of procrastination that already has my narcissist in contempt of court. Now school placement decisions have to be made for the youngest child. This has all added up to sporadic bursts of brow wrinkling communication from him. 

When I arrive at the end of a message, my most frequent thought is “Wait…what?” quickly followed by “What kind of crazy person says shit like that? Oh yeah, nevermind.” I still haven’t gotten the knack of remembering that I’ll never have a normal conversation with him. He is not a normal person. In fact, he is diagnosably mentally disordered. 

In one of his more colorful messages this week, he managed to include three logical fallacies, cherry picking, false analogy, and slippery slope, in a scant 51 word reply. Where do you go with that? I tried a technique called reflecting, but he didn’t answer me.

Relatively early in the divorce process, my daughter’s therapist said talking to my narcissist was like trying to reason with the unreasonable, to be logical with the illogical. She also said that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the most frustrating for her. 

In the context of trying to help me understand the difference between Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she confessed that she’d rather deal with an Antisocial Personality Disordered individual. That person knows that he or she is breaking the rules of society. He know he is being manipulative and propagandist. He knows he full of lies and just doesn’t care. That kind of person, she claimed, can eventually have a honest, logical conversation. 

An individual with NPD, on the other hand, believes his own lies, his own illogical thought process. The lies he tells you are the lies he first tells himself to soothe his ego. They are his reality. No explanation, no amount of evidence or logic will unseat him from his beliefs. 

I have no idea how to successfully communicate with him and I don’t think that’s my fault. All I can do now is decide if it’s worth going back to court. I have to hope the court can see that joint decision making will harm our kids in the long run as important decisions languish and the kids medical needs remain in limbo. 

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