Unwinable

“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.”—Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Unwinable. Never ending. False bottom. How could I forget the hallmarks of this narcissist of mine? How did I forget that his particular version of narcissism comes with a healthy does of antisocial traits that make all social contracts and legal ones the thinnest of guide lines? 
A divorce decree which took longer to arrive at than most labors? Ha! Thinking that he would abide by that was my own brand of projection and magical thinking. Thinking he could engage in the sustained effort required to complete a task? Make a sound decision? Carry on a focused conversation? I must have momentarily entered a twilight zone where unicorns puke butterflies and fart rainbows. 

Now that his obligations in the decree are due, I’m right back to square one: feeling hopelessly stuck; feeling foolish for the week of happiness which followed the mediation; dreading having to face his rage again; dreading the inevitable court costs and lawyer fees; knowing that even in divorce I don’t have what other people have. 

How much more do I have to give up to free myself from him?

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